This week we received an interesting question from a visitor to one of our web sites that seems to be a common complaint among couples.

The person wrote that she and her husband think differently from one another. He doesn't like how she thinks most of the time and she doesn't like how he thinks. She asked what they can do to stop arguing and communicate better.

We answered her in this way--

You really have only three choices:

1) You can learn to appreciate, honor and value the differences in each other and think of them as a good thing. Love each other the way you are and decide that your love is more important than being right about who's right. Come from a place of "what can I learn from you" instead of making each other wrong for being the way they are.

2) You could continue arguing all the time like you're doing now or if options 1 or 2 don't appeal to you...

3) You could split up and no longer have the differences as a part of your daily lives.

Sounds like a really simplistic answer-- but these are her only options.

We couldn't help but think as we were writing this that if we were all the same, believed the same and acted the same, it would be a pretty boring world!

Our differences create the sparks that move us forward into creating and enriching our lives. Our differences are also one element that fuels our passion and desire for another person.

Although we usually choose partners who are very different from us (even though we don't think they are in the beginning), these differences that we love at first and think are "cute" can end up driving us crazy.

This seems to be what's going on with the woman who wrote to us.

So what do you do if you're having this challenge in your relationship?

You can first decide which one of the "choices" that we listed at the beginning of this article most appeals to you.

If you're like most people in this situation, you want help figuring out what it takes to build a closer, more connected relationship. You probably also want some help in getting unstuck from your unhealthy patterns.

Here are a few suggestions to help you if you want to make your relationship better and learn how to deal with your differences:

1. Spend time each day appreciating the value that your partner and other people bring to your life. Accentuate in your mind the positive things that go on between you instead of what you dislike. We do this and it works!

2. The next time your partner expresses a viewpoint or feeling that is different from you, step back out of your usual position and listen to what he or she is saying. Listen to understand where he or she is coming from. Don't automatically respond the way you normally respond. Commit to stopping the "relationship dance" by not reacting the way you normally react.

3. Approach the matter under discussion with an attitude of possibility, saying "What if?" and "How can we?" instead of "why" and "how could you."

The trick that we've learned in dealing with our differences is to not make each other wrong. When you do, you fall into becoming defensive and usually stuck in a "standoff."

So if differences are causing problems with anyone in your life, try out some of our suggestions. We think that you'll find that your relationships filled with more ease and flow as well as more love and kindness.

© Otto & Susie Collins
Life Channels Staff Writers
All Rights Reserved

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